Pick Up Window

Well, we all think that girls dont like pick up lines, but I've just spent the past few minutes writing down some that might change their mind... maybe.

1. There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....your name.

2. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

3. It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

4. Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
(the backward reasoning works with most girls- trust me, they use it all the time, like the whole "no, but yes" thing... yeah, strange!)

Peanut-Butter Kisses

18 oz creamy peanut butter
1 1/4 c granulated sugar
2 ea large eggs
9 oz milk-chocolate kisses

Heat oven to 350.

Have cookie sheets ready.

With a wooden spoon stir peanut butter, sugar and eggs in a medium-size bowl until thoroughly blended. (Dough will be slightly sticky)

With floured hands roll level measuring tablespoons full into 1 1/4 inch balls.

Place 1 1/2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 12 to 14 minutes until cookies look dry with tops crackled.

Remove from oven and immediately press a chocolate kiss in the center of each.

Cool on cookie sheet 1 to 2 minutes, them remove to wire racks. (otherwise, the chocolate kiss will droop)

Dating 1B

Aiight, last post on dating for a while... I can't risk giving the impression that I'm a dating fanatic. In fact, I haven't dated... what authority do I have to give advice you say? None- but trust me, if you use my advice you'll have dates that you'll never forget!
#1. It's ok to be a little late, your date wont be ready anyways (especially if it's a make-up saleswoman)
#2. Forget giving dying roses and such, potted plants will last longer- much like your love for her right?!
#3. Fast food is a good place to go... you can spend less time waiting for food, and more time chatting with your lover.
#4. Avoid bodily contact... even if it means sitting ackward, if their love language isn't "touch" this will be a smart move I'm sure.
#5. Lastly, Pickup lines do work- try them, you'll get a cute smile and a harsh reply- but that's their way of saying "thanks for noticing".

Do's & Don'ts of Dating

Installment Numero Uno,
Don'ts
#5- Don't Chew Bubble Gum While Kissing.
#4- Don't brag about the mono-speaker fuzzing out in your car.
#3- Don't try to walk up stairs holding hands.
#2- Don't Go to a spaghetti restaurant in nice clothes (unless they are red)
#1- Don't avoid answering a question you asked in the first place.
Or perhaps that should be "don't ask questions- silence is a virtue." (I think)
Oh yeah, one more... uhh..
#0- Don't wear matching clothes- do I hear the word "tacky"?.

Invention #063

Do your pet goldfish ever get smelly? Do their scales lack luster? This is the invention for you.
The FISH WASH- The Fish Wash contains a fresh water source and an air purification system for your denizens of the deep and is sealed against accidental germ infiltration. Its transparent design permits viewing of the aquarium by the pet owner. The mechanics are simple, place your fish inside the assembly-like fishwash, and watch as the gentle current guides your fish through the rinse stage, the soap (and optional wax) stage, and finally to the warm-watered drying tank. A small bubble machine is also available to place in the waiting tank for fish family members.
This is going to be a hot seller, I highly recommend you buy stock into it now- I'm selling cheap!

Cow Pies

Have you ever wondered why girls get offended if you call them a cow? Perhaps not, but I'm sure you've gotten slapped if you called a girl a cow. I don't understand why its a derogatory word. #1, cows are cool, they are essential to our fast-food diet & they make 90% of the milk we consume... Basically w/o cows we'd be skinny bones strung together by a thin shellac of skin.
#2, when I say the word "cowboy" what springs into mind?! Yeah, the ultimate "man"; muscular, skilled shot, and makes the ladies swoon. I see nothing bad in that.
Likewise, Cowgirls bring up images of the Californian ever-popular liberal-woman ideals... Now perhaps if you lived in say.. Kentucky or somewhere where people are more conservative the woman wouldn't like the term. Out here in the west, I think the women should embrace being called "cow-like". It's a noble term!

Invention #104

I have this great invention that'll make me rich!!!
here's the deal, people in love spend tons of money on their girlfriend or boyfriend... so I'm going to market my invention so they spend money on THEMSELVES! I'm not sure how it's going to work yet, but that's a small issue. Basically I'm going to invent some sort of canister that holds the scent of their lover for a year or more (I'm not sure how much money I want to make off of them...) So then whenever the lover got lonely they could open up their canister, take a deep breath and feel comforted. I think I'll title it "Fume A La Louve" for my European market and "Smell Shot" in the American black market. (why not market to the black market? That's where all the money is!)

How To #2

Ok, This is for all ya ladies out there- the secret will be revealed on what signs to look for to see if a guy likes you.
Age: Tip:
Youths between 5-10- You have coodies, they will stay away.
Jr High- Silence, avoidance or consistent teasing
Highschool- Silence or crudeness
College- Silence or gifts
Adulthood- Silence or dinner
Seniors- They will blame their silence on their dentures.
*good luck!*

How To Tell if A Girl likes You

Today is the first installment of "how to tell". Tomorrows will benefit the female population... So tune in.
*find you're stage in life and then look for the warning sign.
Age: Tip:
Youths between 5-10- You have coodies, they will stay away.
Jr High- They will punch, pinch, and cause Physical harm to show their love.
Highschool- They will "like" other guys but secretly like you (watch out for other backward logic).
College- They will kiss you one day, and ignore you the next.
Adulthood- They will let you know what they want, and you're a scumbag if you don't agree.
Seniors- They will buy you prune juice and bingo cards.
(hope this advice helped clear up any issues)

1,000 Things that Bug Me

1. Dried ketchup on the bottle rim
2. Pickle juice in my ear
3. Toast crumbs in the butter
4. Moldy Yogurt
5. Worms on the sidewalk
6. Small spiders with big eyes
7. Making a hand gesture for quotation marks
8. Tripping in front of really hott girls
9. Excessively negative and sarcastic people
10. Writing long lists of things that bug me

Goldfish Rescue 101

How To save a drowning fish:
Step one- Remove from sink,bucket,aquarium or any container containing water.
Step two- Check for vital signs (if the fish is squirming it needs CPR)
Step three- apply scotch tape to hold drowing victim in place, procede with cpr * remember to use anti-pathogenic materials.
Step four- repeat step three until progress is made or medical professionals arrive.

4 simple steps to popularity.

Below is a nationally accepted, personally acclaimed and neteromerically useful guide to popularity (especially useful in replacement of your cheesy pick-up lines.) *not endorsed by the agency for public health and emotional satisfaction or the D.U.M.B.O. foundation (district union for mental baggage and outcasts)
#1. Be Cool, don't be yourself.... no one wants to like someone average, you gotta be gifted/talented/wealthy/beautiful. If you can't fulfill any of these, move on to step 2.
#2. Hang with Cool people. Sure the attention isn't on you (but it wasn't anyways was it?) Cool people are just cool, enough said. If you're a loner move on to step 3.
#3. Ok Loner, wallow in self pity and make your life look like a clogged toilet. Someone will feel sorry for you and show some sympathy, then you'll be popular at least with someone. *If you happened to self-pity too much and lost your sympathetic friend move on to step four.
#4. How Lame can you get? Try Step one again... If you come back to this step again you've got serious issues- join a support group.

Happy Mothers Day

Happy mothers day to all you mothers out there! (even those of you who are like blair and carla... I feel sorry for your bio-kids.)

How to Save the World In 5 Simple Steps

This is not an exhaustive list of ways to save the world from "total world domination" maniacs... but just in case you run into one, here's my advice:
#1. Don't talk to strangers and don't let them talk to you. (and please don't give the "homeless" money!)
#2. If someone is walking with a limp- kick their leg to make sure they aren't hiding any weapons.
#3. If you hear an evil plan, don't call 911. (that's what the evil person expects)
#4. Instead of calling 911, gather all your talented friends and form a Justice League- complete with spandex costumes.
#5. If all else fails, try to dominate the world before the other person can.

The Truth Behind Cinco de Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was Manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know the ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost.... The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss....
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day on may 5th. And is known of course as Sinko de Mayo

The Sphere of School

Sorry for anyone (like the faithful Laura) who keeps up on the reading... Basically the last two weeks of school have ruled my life, not to mention an increase in hours at work due to minimum days for the kids and whatnot. So yeah, I've been staying up until the wee hours of the mornin' to type papers and by the time I finish those, the last thing I want to do is write a blog. However, I only have two more papers due between now and the end of school- so I should be able to reestablish the routine. Thanks for noticing my absence!