How To Be A Bully At The Beach

This may be helpful for those of you who frequent the coastal zones.
A: Locate freshly built sandcastles (especially those strategically located above the damage range of the tide). Upon finding the castle or sculpture, throw a Frisbee in the general direction then try to catch it yourself and "fall" on the art form.
B: Play Coast Cop and confiscate all beachballs, frisbees, nerf toys, and sand toys. If the kids resist, use your height as leverage and use your foot to push the child and pry loose the entertainment object.
C: Bring a blow-dart kit and a loud boombox. Find a quiet spot on the beach (preferably next to the company of out-of-state families) Crank up your generator to power your 550Watt system, then leave and look for kites to decimate with your blow-darts.

College

Hey Yall
Well I finally got to school, and the past few days I've been meeting just about everyone in my dorm and plenty from others. Anyways, sorry about the long delay in blogging- hope all readers are not lost. My roommate is named Sean and yeah.... lol, write back and let me know what I should post about school.

How To Run A 4-Minute Mile

In the spirit of the olympics, here are some "Simple Tips" to becoming the worlds fastest human.
Tip A204- Factor the wind, caculate the top velocity of the runner next to you, and invest in ACME rocket shoes.
Tip A394- Elmers glue placed on starting blocks one half hour before your meet should work when the rival's hot shoes meld with rubber track.
Tip B52- Fill your shorts with helium (they'll make you lighter).
and lastly,
Tip ZXYZ23.5- rig the stop watches or project a hologram to race in your place

How To Get Rid Of An Unwanted Guest

Everyone has those annoying unwanted guests who wake them up early in the morning with a "surprise visit" to their house. Here's some advice if you struggle with these kinds of relationships:
#1. Begin spring cleaning (no matter what season it is)... Most guests will opt out on the cleaning, and be repulsed by the dust and disorganization that they may leave.
#2. You can fake a phone call that their house has been vandalized (or perhaps send a trusted friend to do some vandalizing on your own).
#3. If you own a set of Bagpipes, an Accordion, or any other ridiculously loud instrument- begin practicing them at 2:00 in the morning.
#4. Ever heard of a cyanide pill and a quick trip to the local harbor? (neither have I, I just saw it in a movie- and it worked!)
Well there you have it folks, choose any one or more of these simple steps and remove those pesky pests!

Get A New Trend

Ok, Well I guess this site is listed on the "do not read" list or something! lol, either that or ya'll have given up on reading it just because I was absent for 3 weeks...
Or perhaps because it's summer you're like "I'll make the excuse that it's summer... Yeah, I haven't used that one before!"
Anyways, Hope everyone is still alive and well, and perhaps you all went on vacation this week so you all have an accepted excuse!
either way, have a great day- hope to hear from you soon!

How To Shoot Par Golf

Besides being an extremely boring sport to watch on T.V. Golf is an extremely difficult sport to win championships or to be as good as Tiger Woods.
To Improve your game follow the simple steps:
A: Never Tee off with an Iron... Forget using clubs, use a baseball bat for driving and pool cues for the green.
B: Put Nitro on your golf cart so you can beat everyone else to your ball's location, then use Step C:
C: Don't be afraid to play "soccer" with the golf ball if it happens to be lying in an undesired location. (The occasional pitch with the hand always improves your final score).
D: Have your blind friend keep track of your score.
E: Never tell your blind friend that you did worse than par for the hole.
F: Never tell anyone else your friend is blind.
With those simple steps your game should dramatically improve and you too can be the next "Tiger Woods".

How to Have a Hi-Fi system

Today's music industry and their products demand everyone own a hi-fi sound system... However if you can't afford the expensive silver coated amp and speakers- Help has arrived.
First, Go to your nearest SPCA and either buy a dog, or "rescue" one during the night. This will be your "woofer". Obviously the larger the canine, the better bass lows and drop-offs.
Second, sneak into your neighbor's yard or find a stray pigeon and place it into a cage... This will be your "tweeter".
Third, it might be helpful to have a "pre-amp" and "amp" to enhance the sound quality- this can be done by making small cones to fit around the mouth of the "speakers"... the smaller cone is your "pre-amp" the larger exterior cone is your main amp.
Hopefully I didn't forget anything... Power supply is optional (if you do decide to use electricity keep the voltage low or you might "burn out" or "kill" your speakers.)

How To Sell Vacuum Cleaners

Ok, EVERYONE NEEDS a vacuum cleaner- even if you happen to be one of those tribal warriors from Kenya. Dirt needs cleaning every once in a while.
Step #1: Approach Victims Door and knock on the door with a quick 3 tap knuckle rasp.
Step #2: Begin by stating your name, the company you're pretending to work for, and then explain why the patient listener needs your product. (i.e. "You're house is filthy" or *cough cough* "looks like all the dust in the world has settled in your living room!" )
Step #3a: Brace for beatings or,
Step #3b: Prepare to assemble vacuum (have some pre-assembled so it looks easy, because it sure ain't as easy as it looks)
Step #4: vacuum their living room (if you're good you can vacuum in the pattern of your company's logo or your spouse's name).
Finally, ask if they'd like to buy the product and if they resist- call in your family of 8 from the junky station wagon parked around the corner... and MAKE them feel sorry for you.
And there you have it, now you can be a professional Vacuum salesperson!